” how much do you weigh? ” …

” 280 “

” WHOA! almost 300!?? ” …

“….noooo, almost 270 …( eyebrows angled down ) …” …

For some, one pound shows up on their body like it’s ten. You would think there would be quite a difference between people who are on both sides of this spectrum. I have a friend who is no more than 96 pounds soaking wet and having just eaten a 7 course meal! I mean you’re afraid of hurting her when you hug or when you FUCK i forgot what i was talking about…..

yet we are the same. To each of us, one pound is like ten! She’s just a LOT more flexible than me!

Some people on my side of the spectrum, no matter how they try, even when they

‘ diet ‘ and work out everyday ( within the limitations of their body which they have consistently beat on doing construction, demolition, working with concrete: setting up the forms, laboring…warehouse work…and just been hardcore for 30+ years ) stay in limbo, on a plateau as they say. Then when you weigh yourself again you’ve somehow gained three more pounds, even though you ate rabbit food constantly and have done well to not get treats and snacks, and stuck to a pretty rigid and sensible intake. And some people, on her side of the spectrum, starve themselves for days only drinking water and smoking butts and trying to not think about food. Then some of them just end up being so frustrated that they go and splurge on two gallons of ice cream, and a whole frosted cake, while jamming clumps of lazagna and meatballs in their mouth, up their nose, into their belly button trying to push it through…” get in there you fuck!!! ” ……give me more!!!!! To me, it makes more sense to eat four or five small meals a day, depending on your routine of course. Everyone is different, and has a different metabolism. Also, our metabolism changes every seven years on average. So, several small bits of food throughout the day does the trick. Or basically after your first meal of the day, if you’re hungry, nosh every few hours. Then you’re not starving yourself, which does not work and yields minimal results anyway. But we should fast sometimes to allow our bodies to clean themselves out. Maybe drink more water too…

” well, do you drink lots of water? ” … ( ha-ha…’ Well ‘ , i get it. there’s a water pun there… ) …

…yes, normally i would but i live in Taunton, Ma., and i’m from Rockland ( also Mass. ). You do not drink the water from the tap in either place without boiling it or at least using a filter on the faucet or in your decanter, or just getting spring water all the time. That is hard without a car and lugging case after case home from the market sucks out loud. I could get a home water cooler, and have jugs sent here but that is a lot of hassle. Having been disabled for just over ten years now i watch my money as tightly as i can. On a limited budget you buy what you need and stay as frugal as you can. That being said you have to treat yourself sometimes for being good to yourself. There was a lady around 20 years ago weighed 900 pounds! For every five pounds she lost she ate an ice-cream sundae. That was her incentive and she lost 600 pounds. Like WOW! That is a LOT of weight! And here we are worrying about one or two pounds…

as an aside, that is 3,000! ice-cream sundaes! or, 2,999…but who’s counting? Now i want Friendly’s ButterCrunch…

But yes, i brew two to three pots of coffee a day, on average. Therefore i drink water all day, on average.

I’ll brew a pot then drink off that, and after it cools i put it in the fridge and drink cold coffee all day, then brew another one. Actually if i’m eating i’ll usually have cold coffee with that, then when i’m done, drink it hot for working on music or writing etc., it depends. You would think. ” Meh, coffee’s coffee. ” …but it is different somehow. It’s all in the mind i’m sure, but there’s an acumen to working all day, and treating it like you would as a company or small business. So psychologically, maybe to keep yourself in the working frame of mind, it’s hot while you’re doing your thing. But it doesn’t matter too much.

” the Mud is the Life! ” …and the stronger the better! In fact when i brew a pot, just as soon as there’s a cup’s worth i grab it.

However, there are different views on whether coffee is good or bad for you.

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/coffee-and-weight-gain

https://wholesomealive.com/does-black-coffee-make-you-gain-weight/

I drink mine black. Sometimes i would use creamer but that gets old quick.

Caffeine can make you crave sugar or sweets, but if i want sweets it’s because i hadn’t had them in a long time. I treat treats as just that, a treat. If you munch candy constantly, and i have, you’re eating it like food not a snack or treat. So there’s a discipline there you either go with or don’t really care. And i’ve always been an insomniac, with or without coffee. Doing a faceful of coke and staying up for three days is nothing when you can already do that and had for 30 years. Stimulant??? BAH! Who else do you know that could do that all night then just fall asleep? I’m guessing no one…

That’s why i don’t bother with that, anymore. Unless you got some 😉 And if i did it’s because i wanted to, not because i HAD to.

I drink beer sometimes, and i hate the light crap so i get something wheat, or a porter, or stout. You could say, ” oh, right there. Duh ok now i see why. ” …

No. I only get beer every now and then. This problem with floating weight is just everyday life, and has been for a very long time. Only then i didn’t care how i looked or how big i was. In fact, and this is a whole different angle to this: i stayed big as a sort of security blanket. Figure that one out…i kept myself unhappy, maybe because i liked being unhappy sometimes…but also because i might have been afraid to really put myself out there because of anxiety or a chemical imbalance; things that come with your psychoses and you deal with 24/7. I always said i’m Sam Elliott in the body of Michael Moore 🙂 and i have looked like both. Guess i’m somewhere in between.

The highest weight that i remember was 354. Doesn’t mean i haven’t been bigger, but i’m just a big guy. Big boned for sure: mostly muscle and breadth, with a little bit of mush in there too. That’s just me, my lineage. But fat fat is different. As big as i am in muscle or breadth, i still carry baby fat here and there that just hasn’t gone away no matter what. That being said i could still do better about not having maple syrup on my cereal instead of sugar. Sugar would be better, i know. But it doesn’t seem to matter. Because most of the time, i eat steak and beans or pork or chicken, sometimes with a salad, but mostly i cook meat and eat it alone, maybe with some fries. I get a bag of chips once in a while. Although, i would be remiss to not add that most of the time i shop cheap, so i go to the

Dollar ( an’ a quorda ) Tree, or Family Dollar…but i also shop at the market, Hannaford or Trucchi’s and get steak or pork etc., there. In short it isn’t like i’m splurging on all the wrong things, but i do know that the foods we get cheap are foods with lots of Sodium and some bad stuff in there too. If i could go expensive i would get better stuff but still go as cheap as possible. That’s just me, i was raised that way. I know that my intake of carbs is usually less than 100 every day. Probably less than 70. And meat has no carbs, for the most part. I don’t add anything to it but some BBQ sauce, tiny bit of carbs there…but some of the foods we get cheap can pack on the pounds just by design. That being said, it is all about portion control which i have down to a science. I work on music or writing or something at all times. Unless i’m on break from doing that. But when i make food, i eat a bit then go back to work. So a big sit down meal could last me two days.

Then i’ll weigh myself and i’m 286…what a let down. Could be retaining water…

But the real issue here is mostly psychological, and definitely sociologically induced since i am painfully aware of how my body looks to some others, who are just cunts anyway let’s be honest, and there is literally nothing i could ever do to change that. This is me. ALL of it. I’ll never weigh less than 200 and i wouldn’t want to because i wouldn’t look right anyway, i’m meant to be at least 240. When i was real big, my brother would say

” EWW put on a shirt i can’t stand looking at you ” …then when i went from 354 down to 212, he said

” Ewww…put on a shirt, you’re too skinny i can see your ribs sticking out… ” …

you should see him now…but the difference is i wouldn’t razz him about his impossible man-tits…

oh, guess i just did.

I gained around 10 more pounds, then worked out at the gym with my Dad, and got jacked!!! Impressed the SHIT out of him by pressing 450 pounds on the Icarian press in the weight room. Granted the Icarian press keeps the weight steady and in a straight line for you so to speak, but you are lifting every bit of that weight. If i did it with regular bar weights on a bench i would want a spotter there with me just in case. Elbows are a funny thing, and sometimes have a mind of their own after years of doing all i’ve done. You do not fuck around when you have over 400 pounds on a bar which could easily crush your face. Just sayin…

So i stayed there for a while, right around 225 pounds…then got into some shit that changed my life for the worse. Had to go into a place for a while…came out again and got back to life. They feed you 3 meals a day with seconds, thirds if you want, to get you back to fighting weight so i gained around 15 pounds in there.

Sometimes you can’t win no matter what you do. But i think the real problem right there is that i gave a shit. This is me. I want to say, ” i don’t really care what people think, or how they perceive me… ” …but it’s not true. I’d be lying to myself. I do care very much. That is a problem. But i can see that really no matter what i do, someone somewhere is still going to find me repulsive. And i think that’s ok. I can deal with that because there are more people who don’t. Even if i do. And that is the real problem right there as well, it is innate that i won’t ever really like my body or how i look from the side. That is just me, so i have to get over it. Also, i have been in relationships where she was just a brutal cunt and said things like…

” ( sneering with derision and domineering over me… ) Pfft!…eating again!??? ” …i said, ” it’s a salad you cunt! ” …my neighbor said i’m mean to her.

I don’t dance or move around too much afraid to jiggle, and look like a mushy sack of Jello in a pair of sneakers…but, i don’t! i’m packed! and WHY is it not ok to jiggle like a mushy sack of Jello? Why do i have to be all GQ and Fabio?….there is a Flabio…why not emulate him instead? what makes certain people sneer at you for being big when there are sooo many who are too skinny? And fuck them anyway. Just be you because that’s the most beautiful thing you CAN do. That being said, i don’t necessarily want to see Lizzo in her undies…but she wouldn’t look right if she was 140 pounds in tight jeans. ( clearing his throat, ahem!….Jonah Hill ahem…) …some people are just supposed to be bigger. And when they lose weight they don’t look right.

None of it really matters though because people are fickle and their taste might change tomorrow. Actually right now big balding guys are in, so it just doesn’t matter. I just try to be as happy as i can, do what i do, be me. I suck at being other people so i don’t bother.

” Here i YAM Moe!!! ” …

But some day i know that if i lighten up a bit on myself i’ll be where i want to be. I do work out a lot. I lift weights and do Isometrics and some version of yoga, and stretch a lot and stay as active as possible with injuries and a body that tells me to fuck off every time i bend to get something off the floor, or pet the cat…

all things considered, it could be worse! And it has. So, hey world! This is me.

Get over it.